TV: The little brother of a real industry

For some reason, someone put TV billboards up where all the movies billboards are supposed to be.


HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN

They should have called this show "Drama and the Nerd Guy." How amazing would it be if this was a legitimate Entourage spin-off starring Drama? Either way, Kevin Dillon seems cursed (blessed?) to play that character from now on. And look at what a slob he is! He's eating a burger! Also, in case anyone missed it, the tagline is "Prude Meets Dude." Many many people were paid American currency in order for you to read those three words, so in case you ever needed proof that we live in a fallen world, there you have it.

This is literally the pitch from their website: "Bert's a man's man, Andrew's a gentleman. This fall they will teach each other a little bit about becoming a better man!" Man I wish I had made that up as a joke man, but sadly I didn't man. Read that again in Trey Parker's voice and tell me it doesn't sound like a line from a sitcom parody on South Park.

Also hilarious is the fact that they have a forum, and as of the writing of this post, it's completely empty. However, such topics of discussion (posted by "CBS Administrator") include: "Modernization of the Odd Couple" and "Tie wipe!"

THE PLAYBOY CLUB

This of course (along with Pan Am) is to Mad Men what Supernatural/The 4400/Flash Forward/Fringe were to Lost: knockoff shows that rode the coattails of a huge hit......into ultimate obscurity. But as far as advertisements go, this is probably my favorite of the bunch. It's colorful (you know I'm a sucker), fills the frame nicely, and the tagline, "Don't let the fluffy tails fool you," doesn't even make me want to puke. I would even considering watching this show, if I didn't think that Pan Am was likely going to do the same thing only better. Also if it wasn't about the Playboy Club.

PERSON OF INTEREST

Someone send me a better picture of this please.

Not a great ad, but probably the show with the best chance to actually be good. Lots of quality talent behind this one. For anyone not familiar with our major players, we have:

-Star, Michael Emmerson: Played Ben on Lost. If you happened to have missed Lost, congratulations! You're probably still thinking, "Man, I really need to catch that on DVD." I am here to tell you that in fact, you do not. Let's put it this way. It was about 20% really good television, 30% anus-clinching anticipation, 10% whyTF didn't you even mention the last episode's cliffhanger, 20% really lame television, and 20 more % heartbreaking disappointment. Instead, just start watching this show and hope for the best. Or start Mad Men on Netflix: Watch Instantly.

-Star, Jim Cavizel: Most famous for playing Jesus, but was also excellent in the truly underrated The Count of Monte Cristo. He was also on another show with a great pedigree that ended up failing miserably: The Prisoner. That also starred Ian McKellen and aired on AMC, the network "that can do no wrong," because they know you don't remember the series The Prisoner that only ran for six episodes.

- Executive Producer, J.J. Abrams: Is there anyone out there who's still not "eh" on J.J. Abrams yet? Get there. He's not great.

-Executive Producer, Jonathan Nolan: Brother to Christopher Nolan and co-writer of The Prestige, The Dark Knight, and the upcoming The Dark Knight Rises (which by the way takes place eight years after the events of The Dark Knight, and no one else knows that yet, so this is also a gossip blog now).

PAN AM

Look, he owns Pan Am; he owns Congress; he owns the Civil Aeronautics Board. But he does not own the sky!

Christina Ricci! Normally I'm saddened when film stars I like do television, because I think it's a lesser medium, but for some reason there's less of a stigma about that these days than there used to be. Television somehow no longer means that an actor's career has tanked. What is with you people? Go see movies. Not now, of course. Go see the good ones during Oscar season you idiots. Emily Cox told me she finally saw Black Swan on DVD a few weeks ago. You have good taste and are culturally relevant, you have no right watching Black Swan on DVD nine months later. Sheesh. But anyway, I really like Christina Ricci, and unlike many film stars currently making the transition (huh?), she actually hasn't done anything substantial in some time. Speed Racer in 2008? Could you call that substantial? If this does give her career a jump start, then I'm all for it.

Otherwise, and knowing nothing about the show except for what I've seen above, I'm going to have to give Pan Am my Lock of the Season. And, though it's rather boring, I actually quite like this billboard. It's well balanced, the background isn't white but the color of an aged sheet of paper, and I think it was a great move to use the traditional company logo as the show's own. Also, whether it's because of historical, cultural, or visual cues, how cool is it that at a quick glance these women look sexier than most of the models in your average racy designer billboard, all while being covered nearly from head to toe?

NEW GIRL

Someone snap a pic of this billboard and send it to me.

Wow. Barf everywhere. Not enough time to talk about how bad this is. She looks like she's in pain. She looks like her new fiance just made a really racist joke in front of her family. She looks like a Barbie you just dug out of a suitcase full of old Barbies.

You don't have to beat us over the head with the fact that Zooey Deschanel is this quirky indie girl, we all know that Zooey Deschanel is this quirky indie girl. But this isn't even a good Zooey Deschanel! This is more like some girl in Bismarck, North Dakota, who is like the cool indie girl of Bismarck State College, and she walks around thinking that she is the "total Zooey" of BSC, but everyone else thinks, "Look at that wang. Who does she think she is, Zooey Deschanel?" Doesn't the total Zooey know that Zooey Deschanel doesn't walk around in a sleeveless lime green turtleneck dress with really bad hair? Except now she does, apparently.

Also, the tagline is "Simply Adorkable." For quite a while I thought this said "Simply Adorable," and my line was going to be, "Can someone show me who to simply kick in the dick for that one?" Then I saw it was actually "Simply Adorkable," and now I'm at that point where...you know how sometimes you move past anger and just give up?

UNFORGETTABLE

Quality of image relative to quality of show.

I know this is the obvious line, but strange how this billboard, and I'm sure the show to follow, is instantly forgettable. The blurry tagline, "She can do anything but forget," leads me to believe that she's some cop with an outstanding memory or whatever, who really cares (oh yeah, the 50-to-dead demographic). Only two new shows stand out as more forgettable than this: that weird Medicine Special Mind one or something (you know the one, the one with that actor), and Cop Out, or Cop something. The tagline is "Cop. An Attitude." and it's got this butch cop woman on it. If there were any more forgettable then these, it's because I have actually forgotten them.

THE SECRET CIRCLE

The guy on the far left is like the Superman of being attracted to guys. 

This is just the worst. Except New Girl. New Girl is the actual worst.

RINNGER

And here we have the worst design work of the bunch (save maybe The Lying Game, from which I will spare you). Even at first glance, even from a large distance away, this looks nothing like a believable reflection. It's as if they wanted it not to look like a believable reflection. The bus ad is even worse.

That arm! How long is her arm?! If you embiggin and take a look at the finer details, we see that SMG's chin and eyes seem to line up, but that her nose and mouth oddly do not. That's because in the image on the right, her head is tilted down slightly, and some compositor forced with the task of making these two images appear to line up sat at their computer with furrowed brow, not unlike a small child struggling to mash together two similar yet incorrect puzzle pieces. Also, in the "reflected" image, her hair seems not to pulled back behind her ear. But most of all, her shoulder just DISAPPEARS in the reflection! Where is it? Tell me. Furthermore, the reflected image shows her clearly facing forward, where in the image on the right, her head is turned dramatically to the left. Again, it's like they didn't even try. It's insulting. At first I didn't care because this show is so obviously going to fail. But if you're going to make me look at this all over the damn city, at least show me the common decency of giving me a shoulder reflection, you know?!