Thursday, January 20, 2011

Advertising is Evil

In this business of show, January is a great time for honors, accolades, and heated competition. The Golden Globes, the various guild and critics awards, and of course, the Oscars all dole out a slew of statues to the best and brightest of 2010.

But there's another heated competition furiously brewing right over our heads. That's right, the battle for shittiest ad campaign. January and February are notoriously bad months for movies, as studios shovel out the films that just couldn't compete during any oter time of year. Occasionally a studio will try to sneak in and create some buzz for an out-of-season, underdog blockbuster, say, Cloverfield. But more often you find romantic and family comedies with B-list actors, washed up it-girls, and fading Saturday Night Live comedians (a la The Love Guru).

"Did someone say 'washed up it-girls and fading Saturday Night Live comedians?'" That's right, Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler, I certainly did! First up in the battle for new "Worst Billboard Ever" is Just Go with It, which is also competing for "Most Forgettable Title Reappropriated from a Phrase in the Common Parlance."

Compared to most 'worst posters of all time', there's not a ton visually wrong with this one. Just one. glaring. error. That FIST POUND! Let us count the ways in which that fist pound is unappealing terrible by all rights worse than Snooki's A Shore Thing.

1) This is not the death of the fist pound. The death of the fist pound actually came all the way back when white people started doing it around 2001. Then it's memory was thoroughly desecrated when fat, old businessmen started doing it. Then one day my dad gave me a pound. Then it was raised from the dead in 2008 by the black magic of Fox News, as the zombie known only as 'terrorist fist jab'. Obama was elected, and its soul was again put to rest, all the way up until this poster came out, in which it's riddled corpse was once again exhumed, lit on fire, and then put out again by the salty urine of some Sony executive.

2) Why did they place the half-naked girl right behind their fists, as if their hands are wrapped around her legs? That's just stupid.

3) You can't get Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston in the same room to take a picture for a poster. Whatever. I get it. But their hands are clearly not touching. In fact, Sandler's is overlapping Aniston's. If this is actually some new 'super pound' where one person's hand goes in front of the other's, please tell me. I definitely don't want to be the only not in on this thing. Otherwise, I think I would have preferred a poor photoshop of two hands obviously belonging to someone else, superimposed over the stars' hands, as long as I could tell the hands were touching.

4) Jennifer Anniston is looking at Adam Sandler's forehead, and that's because you couldn't worry about her sightline because you were concerned about their stupid hands lining up.

Up next: 2nd and 1st place in January's edition of "Worst Billboard Ever."

No comments: